It wasn’t easy for me. As anyone who’s read my Unbreakable Heart posts knows, I’ve had a rocky relationship with love, but Dmytry has taught me what true love really is.
In one week, on July 2, 2012, Dmytry and I are getting married. As I looked back on our life together thus far… our online romance, meeting in person on New Year’s Eve 2010, raising children together, I’m amazed at how far we’ve come and how in love we still are. I love him more and more everyday. We are happier than I could have ever imagined being with anyone.
I found this post that we originally wrote for Writing In Love. It was written in October 2010 and it’s still true today. I’m happy to say I’ve healed so much in the time I’ve been with him. I no longer worry and doubt and question that this could be real.
It is real.
I’m living an epic love story everyday. But I had to let go of my pain, and let love in.
This is where we began:
Confessions of a Splintered Heart
Dmytry has his hands full with me. I’m not an easy person to love. I’m a walking contradiction in so many ways. And I have been broken and beat down by love. Or rather, by hate and fear wearing the mask of love.
In the past, my deficiencies paled in comparison to my partners’. Having spent the last almost decade of my life with a man who physically, verbally and/or emotionally abused me during nearly every argument, then left for days on end to drink our bank account into the red, I’m a little jumpy.
And I have sooo many fears.
So I expect the worst. And I prepare for it on a subconscious level. When I am tired. Or stressed. Or, whatever…I misread what he says. Misinterpret his intentions. Not on purpose. But still. I see the most awful possible meaning in what he says and I allow it to cut me. Wound me. Bleed me.
So far I have been the root cause of every argument we have had. EVERY SINGLE ONE. That’s never been true before. And I am humbled and awed by him.
Because he is PATIENT beyond measure. He understands me better than I understand myself at times. And he NEVER leaves me to my own dark thoughts. He stays. And talks. And envelopes me in love until I see clearly. Until I understand. His love dissolves the walls I build around my heart. It consumes the fear that eats at me. It fills me with hope and joy.
I see his love through a splintered heart.
The lens destroyed by abuse and fear and pain. What I hear is my own dark, twisted version of what he is saying. It is not rooted in the Truth of his LOVE.
But this love he so freely and unconditionally gives is healing my heart. With him I am learning that I can trust without being choked by that trust. Love without being destroyed by that love.
But still I fear.
What if he sees too far in to me? What if he follows that dark ribbon in my heart to the end, and discovers the monsters that are shackled to my soul?
There is forever this part of my Self that is waiting for that other shoe to drop. Waiting for the end.
But here’s the secret my True Self keeps whispering to my depths.
He already knows.
He has already discovered the demons of the dark. Already knows the terror that grips me. Can read every thought I have and feel every emotion that washes through me.
And he LOVES me.
Despite it? Because of it? For all of who I am that has made me, me? I don’t know.
I don’t find myself an easy person to love. But Dmytry. He has a capacity for love that rivals anything I’ve ever experienced. And it is on this love that I will risk everything. Because without it I am lost.
Kimberly is my first and only love. Unlike me, she has had other romantic partners. Has gone through the trials of relationships. These experiences have changed her perceptions of love. Perhaps given her a more realistic view of it.
She has been hurt. Her heart has been broken. Her expectations are different from mine. When we argue, she fears I may aim to wound her intentionally. When I make promises, she fears I may not mean them.
But I never want to hurt her. Never want to break our trust. To me, it seems impossible that anyone would do these things.
Why do some people treat their partners with no respect? Why do others let them? Maybe they think that love doesn’t deserve respect. That people don’t.
But I know otherwise. And it doesn’t matter that this is my first relationship. I am in love. Kimberly is everything to me. And why would you hurt the most precious thing in your life?
You wouldn’t. I wouldn’t.
It’s illogical. It’s wrong. And I’d die before hurting Kimberly.
But unfortunately, problems arise.
We misunderstand each other. We fear. We argue.
Kimberly’s past has locked up her feelings and experiences. She fears that what she shares will result in pain, that she will push me away. So she closes herself off.
But whenever she has opened herself up, I have never turned away. Never. She deserves someone who listens. Someone who understands. And I try. I try so hard everyday to know her. And the more I learn, the closer I feel to Kimberly.
Please don’t be afraid. I will never leave you.
I only wish to know your heart. To know you.
And nothing within will drive me away. Everything is beautiful.
You are beautiful.
Dmytry has been true to his word. He’s never turned away from my pain or my past. He’s embraced all parts of me, so completely and fully, that I am forced, by the sheer brightness of his love for me, to find what is lovable in myself.
He has helped my heart heal. He has helped our children heal. And I cannot wait to stand beside him in one week and vow to love him forever.
The Writing In Love Wedding
July 2, 2012
Watch for posts, pictures and celebration!
For those who asked (or insisted)
Want to come to our Facebook Event for the wedding? I think if you click here you can come. Somebody tell me if that works!