I’m not actually sure if there will be a “Part 2” to this post, but the title felt more complete with a Part 1. And I’ve just now realized that the “How” part might be misconstrued as an actual demonstration of how to physically have sex, as if parents have sex differently than those who don’t have children.
I think the basics are still fundamentally the same, though. If you still need help, pick up one of our sexier books and you should get a few pointers!
Seriously, though, kids are the ultimate cock-blockers, amiright? You get started, all hot and heavy, things are getting intense. Body parts are getting hard, or wet, depending on the part. And then BAM! That kid who was sleeping? Not so much. Party over. Time to put on the parent hat and hide the hard-on.
Now, we don’t really have a huge problem in this department. After all, we need to research! *wink wink nudge nudge* Dmytry actually does a significant amount of research on an ongoing basis on how to spice things up in the bedroom, so you won’t hear me complaining. We like to keep the flame fanned in both our physical connection and our emotional intimacy.
But if we go a couple days without, one of us starts getting grumpy. Or both of us. Usually both of us. So, we’ve gotten pretty good at working around the kid problem, usually by staying up ridiculously late or having sex while they’re at school. Or both.
Summers are trickier to navigate, though, because THEY NEVER SLEEP AND THEY ARE ALWAYS HERE. We might need to get a motel for a few hours if those kids don’t go to sleep!
So, to say we’re looking forward to back to school day, well, that would be an understatement.
Here are a few tips we’ve found useful to keeping things hot in the bedroom.
1. Look for ways to please your partner. We both look for new and exciting ways to pleasure each other, whether that be a new position or new technique, of spending a little more time on focused giving. It keeps us engaged in the act of experiencing real pleasure with each other, and ensures things never get dull. And don’t be afraid to get kinky and try new things. You never know what you’ll find a turn-on.
2. Communicate what you need and want. Neither of us are afraid to ask for what we’d like, or to guide our partner in how best to make that happen. When this is combined with #1, it’s a reciprocal and mutually satisfying exchange that keeps us both coming back for more.
3. Make time to talk. This is about emotional intimacy, which is key when you want deeper physical intimacy. We talk. We listen. We communicate about work (which we do together all day), about our kids (which we are equal partners in raising), about the house (which we are also equal partners in sharing responsibilities) and we also talk about our hopes, dreams, fears, concerns etc. We connect deeply, before and after sex.
4. Prioritize intimacy. We have three kids. We know how crazy life gets with parenting and housework and a business to run, books to write, THINGS TO DO. Make time to do each other. Regularly. It makes all the other stuff much easier. (This is based on the assumption that the marriage is healthy. If it’s not, then more sex will not help it and you should consider getting professional help from a family therapist or finding a way to work on your bigger problems.)
5. Be grateful for the small things. This may not sound super sexy, but trust me, it is. Dmytry and I are both very conscious of thanking each other for the small day to day acts that keep our family and home functioning. He thanks me when I drive the kids to school or when I pay the bills. I thank him when he makes dinner or does the dishes. Even if these are things we do every day, ESPECIALLY when these are things we do every day, the act of being noticed and being thanked is a huge turn on! Because it connects us emotionally. I know I’m being seen. Being appreciated. Being valued for my contributions to this marriage and family, and it makes it so much easier to make time to connect physically with him.
This isn’t a complete list, but it’s a few ways we grow our marriage, and keep things hot in the bedroom. What about you? What are your tried and true tips for keeping things fun in your marriage?