I’m all about books, as you know, but that doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy a good television show now and then. Since it’s been awhile since I posted something not related to books and writing, I thought this would be a good time to spill my thoughts on this fall’s television lineup.

First, a few disclaimers. There will be spoilers. I often don’t remember names of characters, so if you don’t watch the show, you might get confused as I will use my own random nicknames for them. This isn’t a complete list. This isn’t an exhaustive summary of shows; rather, this is more like what you’d hear me proclaim about each show if you were sitting with me and watching it.

Having said that, here are a few shows I’ve watched, and my brief and (I think) witty thoughts on them.

GLEE

Yes. It died the moment you brought Finn back to the show.

Ah yes, the old favorite. Well, you were the favorite. What the hell are you doing? I thought you and I had an agreement that you would kill Finn at war, or at least make him stay gone for a very long time. He ENLISTED! This should have ensured I never saw him again. After all, my ex was military and I almost never saw him. I expected the same from Finn, but nooooo you had to bring him back as Mr. Roger’s fashion consultant and make him head of Glee. What? Just. WHAT? Now I have to watch his “I’m-trying-to-think-but-it’s-so-hard-constipated-vacant-face” every week and my husband has to hear my moans and groans when he comes on screen, and these aren’t groans of pleasure. Make him go away. NOW!

Also, what the hell is going on with this season? They LOST? Blonde bitch made new girl all sick and now that’s it? What, are they going to rehearse in the rain and snow the rest of the year? And why is blonde bitch still in Glee? They aren’t competing, and they’re more losers than ever, this just doesn’t fit her character and quite honestly this show has enough blonde bitches as it is. She and Finn should elope and then kill each other.

And back in New York, Rachel apparently only has one class at her new school, where she dances her heart out for the heartless blonde bitch teacher, who gets paid to show up drunk, verbally abuse her students and sleep with the hot ones. She and Sue should hook up for a teacher training rally.

Moving on…

THE WALKING DEAD

I think blond boy with lips from Glee summed this up best. “It’s not based on a true story, I checked.” I love that guy. He and Brittany are like a blond joke meets a Hallmark card. But we’re not talking about Glee anymore, so…

Yeah, love this show. Just love it. But what the heck was up with introducing a whole new cast of characters that we don’t care about 5 minutes before the end of the mid-season finale. And what the heck is a mid-season finale and why are you torturing us?

Also, blonde chick in this one is just… OMG! I want to smack her. First off, worst taste in men ever. EVER. Second, I want to like her. She’s strong and gun-toting and tries to get all in the line of fire and crap, but I just don’t (like her, that is.) She does it ALL WRONG. She’s like a caricature of a strong female lead, always pushing her way in when she should sit out and sitting out when she should push her way in. Stupid. Why hasn’t a zombie eaten her yet?

ARROW

Some billionaire eye candy. Yum :)

This is a new show I’m actually enjoying. After all, who doesn’t love a hot billionaire bad boy turned super hero? And to all those writers/producers on this show, thank you for ending the voiceovers. Remember, show don’t tell. I’m glad you remembered characters can talk TO each other, not just at themselves. It saved the show.

Oh, and a side note (just don’t tell my husband), please add more scenes where he’s talking while working out shirtless in his secret super hero cave. Please!

NASHVILLE

People sing. Country. For some reason, hubby likes this show. I tolerate it to cuddle with him. It’s not bad, it’s just not great either.

GO ON

Guy loses wife. Guy cracks jokes. Guy goes to therapy group. It was funny initially, but maybe mostly because I was trying to figure out when Matthew Perry’s voice got dubbed over by Christian Slater. Has anyone else noticed this? It’s a good show, it just wasn’t quite good enough to keep me coming back.

AMERICAN HORROR STORY: ASYLUM

I gotta say, I’m hooked. It’s dark and scary and horrible and I love it. That poor reporter, she has the shittiest luck, doesn’t she? First, she’s locked up for being gay and trying to grab a good story that doesn’t involve baked goods, then she’s shocked, then she’s ‘freed’ by the nice shrink only to become his next victim where he nurses on her and turns her into his long lost mommy, then screws her. Then she escapes after nearly being kissed by Death Herself. Then she gets into the car of a misogynistic suicidal bastard. Then she’s in a car accident. Then she ends up back in the wacko factory. Then she gets attacked by psycho-shrink again. And that’s just the one storyline. You know there are some effed up characters in this show when Head Nun starts looking like the good guy.

I have to wonder how they’re going to end this season though. Last season they had a somewhat happyish ending with a whole ghosts living happily ever after thing. This season? It feels more like a Shakespearean tragedy, hold the comedy interludes. We shall see.

VAMPIRE DIARIES

This is what I'm talking about. Why's this never in the show?

Another old fav. I have to admit I’m behind on some episodes with this one, so things could change, but here’s what I have to say so far. Elena makes the worst vampire ever. EVER! She’s horrible at it. And it’s getting kind of miserable to watch. I never thought I’d see the day when Caroline and her love triangle made a more interesting storyline than Elena and her boys.

Oh, and about that. Just do a threesome and get it over with. This whole flippity flop between Stefan and Damon is getting old. “Oh, my human side looooves Stefan, but my bad vamp side is crushing hard on Damon. Whatever will I do?” Um, do them both!

BONES

Love. Love. Love forever. I just love them. And them being together with baby in tow hasn’t hurt the show at all. Just love. I worried about the episode where they decided to get all crazy with the camera, and thought they were making the unfortunate choice to do what BREAKING BAD did by following the stupid fly for the whole episode, but they managed to pull it off and have a valid reason for their cinematic choice that didn’t involve some presumably esoteric study of the inherent fragility of life as seen through the eyes of a damn-freaking-fly!

Just. LOVE.

ELEMENTARY

Oh, I wanted to love this show. I really, really did. I’m a huge Sherlock Holmes geek girl fan and just love all the variations from BBC to Robert Downey Jr. But this? Nah. It falls flat. He comes off as more of a mental patient than brilliant. They don’t do justice to the zooming in on details and showing the audience what is sparking the interconnecting webs of Holmes’s fascinating brain, so it just doesn’t work. Sorry. Pass.

REVOLUTION

Cool premise. End of the world post-apocolyptic blabla. Lights off for the world, then what happens? There’s a bit of a mystery, which is fun. And Bella’s dad’s in it, which is awesome. He’s one of my favorite secondary actors. I like, but am behind a few episodes. I think there’s not quite enough addictive hooks to keep me salivating for the next episode, but it’s a show I hope will be around another season or two.

Well, I think that’s it for me. I didn’t get to watch everything, but this gives you my personal take on the fall shows I’ve had the pleasure (or misfortune) of seeing. Which shows are your favorites? Which fell flat for you? Comment and let me know!