Let’s talk about sex. More importantly, let’s talk about unwanted sexual attention. There’s a hashtag trending on Twitter right now that’s creating quite a stir. #YesAllWomen

What’s it all about? Check out Twitter and see. Here’s an article that summarizes it. The gist is this: A 22-year-old got pissed that women kept turning down his advances, so he killed three of them.

[box style=”quote”]”You girls have never been attracted to me,” he said. “I don’t know why you girls aren’t attracted to me. But I will punish you all for it. It is an injustice, a crime.”[/box]

Many men became defensive, saying “Not all men” are like that. Of course they aren’t, but that’s not the point. There is a subversive culture of misogyny that is prevalent in this country and elsewhere. It’s dangerous and sick and it preys on women. And the men who perpetuate these hate crimes aren’t labeled in any way. They look like ordinary guys. They look like someone you could maybe trust. So of course not ALL men are like this, but there are enough, and they look just like you and nearly every woman knows what it’s like to be treated like a sex object.

Nearly every woman knows what it’s like to be sexually harassed.

I knew what this felt like as early as 12 and 13 years old. I was an ‘early bloomer’. Because of this, I looked like a hot 16 or 18 year old when I was barely in junior high, which led to my nickname of ‘jailbait’ when guys found out how old I was.

Nothing too horrible happened to me growing up, however. I wasn’t raped like so many others. I wasn’t habitually harassed on a daily basis. It didn’t lead to depression or suicide. But, it wasn’t nothing, either. I recall one day walking home from school when a total stranger walked by me and GRABBED MY CROTCH hard! On the public street. I was alone. I was 12 or 13. I was terrified.

On another occasion I was riding my bike home from school and a man in a car cat-called me, saying lewd and awful things to me as he followed me home. I didn’t want to lead him to my house so I had to take a detour, going in between houses until I lost him and could safely go home.

On a nearly daily or weekly basis, I couldn’t walk anywhere past men working without one or more of them making lewd comments, catcalls, etc. This continued throughout junior high, high school and college. Eventually I put on weight, largely I think, in defense of this unwanted attention.

And here’s the kicker, and something I’ll be talking more about in future posts, but I had two warring messages in my mind about what my role in all this was as a woman. From the world at large I was taught that it was my job to be sexy and desirable for men. That I should be flattered they showed me this kind of attention.

From my church I was taught that my body was inherently sinful and caused men to sin. That it was my job to guard men’s thoughts so that they didn’t sin.

This meant that when I received this kind of attention I had conflicting feelings. Fear at being the recipient of this kind of attention, some small amount of flattery that I was ‘sexy’ enough to warrant harassment (think REALLY HARD about that last bit for a moment, will you?) and shame that I was somehow causing all of this because of my inherently sinful body. Was it any wonder that in defense I put on weight and shied away from sexual attention?

Is it any wonder that many gorgeous women in our world have also done the same to protect themselves? It doesn’t really work. It brings a different kind of abuse. But it’s not conscious. It’s our subconscious mind’s way of coping with the consistent onslaught of complete disrespect and disregard for our personhood.

Women live in an impossible double standard their WHOLE LIVES!

We are the victims responsible for our own victimhood, according to the way our society works.

This is reinforced every time a woman is asked what she was wearing when reporting a sexual harassment crime.

This is reinforced every time someone teaches our girls that their bodies cause boys to sin and it’s our job to prevent that.

This is reinforced every time women are objectified in the media for their bodies.

This is reinforced every time a guy doesn’t take ‘No’ as an acceptable answer to his advances.

This is reinforced every time a man harasses a girl or woman and tells her to ‘not be so serious’ and ‘lighten up’ when she gets offended.

This is reinforced every time a school teaches girls how to ‘be safe’ and ‘avoid being raped’ but does not teach the boys NOT TO RAPE.

It’s reinforced daily, for women everywhere, when our voices are silenced by men and BY WOMEN. Yes, we perpetuate our own victimhood onto each other when we slut shame each other. When we criticize each other’s appearance or sexual history. When we fight about breast milk vs. bottles or staying home vs. working or any number of things that are important, but also silly–because CHOICES. We fought for the right to choose, and then we criticize each other on those choices.

So pay attention this week. Read the posts and tweets about #YesAllWomen Notice the men who are supporting this and those who are getting defensive. Notice the stories, how uncomfortable they make you. How AWFUL they are. Learn to empathize. Learn to set aside judgement of each other and let’s start to change the system.

My husband and I have three little girls.

I am not willing to raise my daughters in a culture that treats women this way.

Share your stories below. Let your voices be heard.

#YesAllWomen

 

 

 

 

 

 

***This summer we’ll be talking about sex in a series of posts called “Let’s Talk About Sex.” We’re going to tackle some pretty heavy issues, as well as some fun ones. Join us for more on this important subject.***