Growing up I wanted to be a boy. Scratch that. I didn’t want to be a boy so much as I wanted the freedom that boys inherently had, and still have. By the authority vested in their penises, they are given inalienable rights not afforded girls in our (or most) cultures.
The right to unbridled ambition.
The right to be unapologetically confident and aggressive.
The right to be funny (vs. sassy, as this post talks about).
The right to be an asshole and still be respected and even liked.
The right to be FLAWED and still rooted for.
The right to put ourselves and our needs first.
This week, we’re talking about antiheroes in life, literature and film. Over at ABCs (Anne Chaconas) blog, she wrote today about how it’s hard being a girl. And she is NOT WRONG.
In a fun synchronicity, NYT Best Seller, Maggie Stiefvater, also talked about this in a blog post yesterday entitled “So. I See I’m A Girl. :/” And no, we didn’t even coordinate this with her! It was a happy accident of fate that all of us kickass girls are talking about this.
And what is ‘this’? ‘This’ is the double standard we as women live under daily. It is the invisible cage we are confined to because of our breasts and vaginas. It is living in a world that will talk about a man’s ideas and a woman’s wardrobe, even if they hold the exact same political office. ‘This’ is the sad truth that if you look at how we talk about men vs. women in media (people who are in the exact same jobs/roles/etc.) and you changed the pronouns used in those articles, you would laugh at how ridiculous it sounds to discuss the man in the same way we discuss the woman.
As this study points out, there are behaviors, such as succeeding–SUCCEEDING! as in NOT FAILING–“that are sometimes considered attractive in men but not in women.”
As Maggie wrote in her posts, it’s not that there aren’t strong women, it’s that there are not female equivalents of the male heroes and antiheroes around us.
Recently, a story broke about how the head Disney animator for Frozen stuck his foot in his mouth when talking about how hard it is to draw females. It’s the because that really says it all.
Okay, I get it now. WE ARE harder to animate, IF we have to look beautiful, and by beautiful of course I mean doe-eyed, button nosed, tiny and white, every time we emote. Yeah, I can see how that would make it hard to draw the Frozen sisters side-by-side, in the same frame, looking unique and all, when they are the same person with different hair colors.
THIS is the problem of why female antiheroes are hated on while their male counterparts are idolized. THIS is the problem of why females in general are given such a narrower range of options in life and fiction.
Because we have to look beautiful above all else, and we are not allowed to step foot off this pedestal of beauty, grace, decorum and perfection and actually, you know, be a fucking human being. There’s simply no way, in this current mindset, for women to be the rogue character, or to be ambition and self-serving and funny and SUCCESSFUL, while maintaining the image of the proper wife and mother. Women are expected to be nurtures. To put others first. To be nice above all and make others comfortable around them. We are trained into these roles at an early age by everything around us.
While boys play with guns and cars, we have babies and mini kitchens and tiny brooms and grocery carts.
While ‘boys will be boys’ in high school, we are expected to keep our legs crossed and be ‘good girls.’
While boys are never for a moment judged for going after what they want, we are the default homemaker, and if we choose something different, it is with great struggle as we swim against the stream of convention.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting that caring for a home and children, or being a good wife and mother are bad things. Not at all. Just as it’s not bad for a man to be a good father and husband and care for his family. I’m suggesting that we should destroy the pedestals these bizarre social contracts have placed us on and start getting dirty with the boys.
I’m suggesting a new paradigm for girls is in order. One where we don’t have to be ‘ladies’. Where we can walk with a swagger and make bold (and sometimes horribly BAD) choices and get up and dust ourselves off and try again. One where we can confidently and unapologetically grab our lives by the balls.
And squeeze.
Because right now, unless we conform to a very narrow framework of appropriate female responses, we are the villains, EVEN WHEN we are the heroes.
And this shit, it needs to change, and fast! We need better female heroes who aren’t hated on for every goddamn thing they do or don’t do, and we need better female antiheroes who are allowed to be flawed and unattractive and human.
And the KK-ABC team are ready to rumble with some kickass women (and men) who break the mold and do shit that is morally questionable, for morally questionable reasons, sometimes.
We’re ready for some antiheroes worth rooting for. We’re ready to let women be fully human, in all facets, with all the scars and pimples and bad habits of their male counterparts.
Like this clip right here from the show Scandal. I haven’t seen this show, but after seeing this clip of Lisa Kudrow’s character, Congresswoman Josephine Marcus, dressing down a sexist reporter, you can bet I’ll be looking it up.
Who’s with us?
Question:
Let’s look at our own prejudice today. What’s a behavior that you deem okay in men but not women?
If you are fully enlightened and can’t answer this because there are none, YAY! Answer this instead, what behavior in yourself have you either held back or been criticized for because it was deemed a behavior of the opposite sex and thus not appropriate for YOU? (This is for women AND men!)
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This really is a subject for more than a comment. I will say my mother was not the type to buy into any of this gender bullshit. I was the first girl in my county to have a paper route; the first girl in my karate class; I was denied classes in auto shop because I was a girl. When I was married I tried to fit into the mold and failed miserably. Since then I DO WHAT I WANT. Take it or leave it, I don’t give a shit. I don’t know if that’s because I’m older and cranky, or because I just got tired of the bullshit. I tend to judge people on whether or not they’re an asshole, not on their genitalia.
Interesting subject. 🙂
There was a lot of gender issues for me growing up in a conservative Christian home/church. It wasn’t even my hobbies, per se, as much as my innate belief that women should lead if that’s their gift/calling/ability. That we shouldn’t be stuck teaching children’s Sunday school just because the church didn’t think women should be pastors or teach adults in a mixed gender group. That was one issue, at least, that I was constantly bucking against.
Wow, that is a tough questions… my favorite anti-hero… I am coming up completely blank, but will follow to saw others thoughts!
I will say this much–my parents didn’t really enforce any sort of gender roles on me or my siblings (one younger brother and one younger sister); surprising, considering that I grew up in a Latin American country, where gender stereotypes are an unquestioned way of life, and not merely a fairweather social convention. (I wanted to be a boy, too, by the way–wanted it right up until I was 16, and then realized being a girl was pretty fucking awesome.)
There are no behaviors that I currently deem okay in men but not in women, or viceversa, BUT I will say that I used to curtail my own behavior, particularly sexually, when I was younger–because I thought that, as a girl, I was supposed to be less sexual, more discreet, always looking for relationships. Finally, I realized it wasn’t so much about humping everything that moved as it was about giving myself PERMISSION to feel that it was okay to be sexual.
Breaking our own mental stereotypes is the hardest thing to do, by far. Giving ourselves permission to just BE is the second hardest. 🙂
I don’t see any behavior okay for one sex over another. Actually this type of conversation has been an ongoing point in my house. Don’t let me get started on how wrong I think it is that men are allowed to walk down the street topless and yet women get ticketed if they try it.
Raising three daughters, I try to make sure they understand they can do anything they want even if that means they do something that is a traditional male role.
We also have three daughters and do our best to raise them the same way!
While I’m aware these gender issues exist, they have never actually affected my life – not because they didn’t exist, I think, but because I didn’t even notice them. Part of the problem is that women still allow themselves to believe some of the things they are told. Refusing to accept that a rule applies to you, or even that it exists, can be a great start sometimes.
Proper wife and mother? Not words you’d ever hear in the same sentence with my name. Nurture? Abrasive is more the word that springs to mind. Nice isn’t a word that’s been applied to me since I was eight, except in the case of ‘She’s…nice.’, where the ellipses implies the person reached for and couldn’t find another acceptable adjective. Probably because I didn’t fit into the usual categories, but that’s fine.
I played with castles and horses and dragons, and while my daughters have kitchens and the like, I don’t encourage it, and they ALSO have dragons, and doctor kits, and other things. My three year old declares ‘I want to be a doctor’. And I tell her she can be a doctor, or anything else she wants to be. She can slay dragons if she chooses.
I’ve never once even considered being the homemaker. From the moment I chose law as a career I knew I would more than likely make more money than my spouse, and therefore logically I wouldn’t be staying at home with the kids. And I do not apologise for that decision. I went toe to toe with my grandmother on that one when I was still a teenager, and I stand by my position. When people ever even suggest that perhaps I should stay at home with my girls, my counterargument is that if I do that, then all I teach my girls is that when they grow up, they, too, must sacrifice their dreams in order to look after a home, husband, and kids. I will teach them that over my dead body.
I am who I am. I don’t apologise for it. I’ve been accused of being judgemental, opinionated, outspoken, ‘masculine’, brash, argumentative. So what. I’m proud of those qualities. I can do anything a man can do, excepting things relating to actual physical strength. I’ve never held back, even when it was suggested to me that I was single bacause I didn’t. I replied ‘I want a man who loves me EXACTLY the way I am.’ If I intimidate men, that’s their problem, not mine.
The first step to convincing men, is to first convince ourselves.
Be what, and who, you want to be. As long as you’re happy with who you are, make no apologies. You can never please everyone. Look for the people who like you exactly as you are. Anyone who criticises you for behaving in an unfeminine way isn’t worth knowing.
Women CAN have bigger balls than men.
This whole comment is just AWESOME! I applaud you.
I like Eric Northman from The Sookie Stackhouse! He’s bad but at the same time, so very, very good.
Oh YES PLEASE!
Men fight and wrestle and call each other names. Women are more gentle and don’t get into bar fights or brawl because brawling is stupid and women don’t show their friends that they care by making fun of them or making disparaging comments.
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